Welcome: The list of doomed toys

Clyde Davis

Things we’d like to see for the holidays {Inspired by the list of unsafe toys}:

° Handsprings Elmo — This one doesn’t do the Hokey Pokey or Tickle Me.
He does handsprings into the nearest waste basket.
The ultra version even carries himself to the dumpster.

° Nerd Brats — Unlike fashion brats, these dolls are deliberately dressed like the nerdiest folks you can imagine.
Each one comes complete with a briefcase and plastic pen holder for pocket.
Bicycle handlebar basket optional.

° Biker Babe Barbie — You don’t need a whole new wardrobe — just sew four Barbie dresses together to outfit this former defensive tackle.
Optional makeup kit to cover numerous offensive tattoos.

° Upside down skateboard — For all the wannabe skaters who can’t seem to get the hang of it, this is perfect.
It starts you out in the upside-down position, so that when you flip, you end up on the wheels.

° Wuss Rangers — The perfect complement to your power ranger action figures.
Since they are all wusses, you can make them the bad guys and guarantee that they will get beat up.

° Totally Mutant Ninja Turtles — These are completely mutated.
Features such as three heads, extra noses, and backward legs make them stand out.

° Broke Wheels Collector Set — Why spend your time racing toy cars when you can have the far more realistic playtime of fixing them?
Lots of computer features to malfunction.

° Barney’s Big Buddy Dinosaur — Realistic T-Rex, complete with scales and rancid breath.
Freaks out at the sight of purple and tears up the house when he hears “I love you, you love me…”

° Ug-lee-oh Action Figures — This one speaks for itself. Combines the worst features of major anime dudes into something uglier than any of them.

° Pocket Scooby Doo — This Chihuahua version of the beloved cartoon Great Dane will fit in your pocket.
Do not allow him near Mexican fast food places, or he gets confused.

° Nemo Bait Bucket — Now you can combine your favorite summer leisure activity with the darling little clownfish. Hologram shoots a picture so that every time you scoop out a minnow, you’ll think of Nemo.
Advanced version comes with a 12-step program for sharks. { “Fish are friends, not food…}
There is still plenty of shopping time left before Christmas, so get to it.