Checking out potential mates is long process

By Ryn Gargulinski: Columnist

While Santa is always merry and bright and would make a good mate since he has 11 months off to do things like fix the sink, he’s also married.

Not to fret. As the end of the year offers time to reflect on relationships that didn’t work, it also offers time to plan to make sure they do.

My past year’s relationships came about from my trek from eastern New Mexico to northern California to southern Oregon to Arizona.

This came with at least seven relationships, counting dogs and pet rats, but only two humans.

Alas, neither worked out, but I learned a heck of a lot.

Like to put all potential soul mates through the ringer — or at least a screening process.

Some simple actions will help ensure one is happily dancing through the High Plains rather than glumly stuck at home with a murdered dog.

Before even agreeing to meet at the corner gas station or nearest rodeo, it’s imperative to do some homework.

Get the background out of the way. In addition to Google-ing the potential mate’s name, aliases and news sites where he or she could have made bloody headlines, check all court papers to see if there is a warrant out for the person’s arrest.

Satisfied the person is not in line for the death penalty, move on to the interrogation.

Keep in mind there are no right or wrong answers, depending on individual taste.

Start with the obvious — like if the person is married, engaged to be married or divorced 14 times. See if there is a tan line where a wedding ring would be.

Then go for the gore. Inquire if he has murdered anyone, is capable of murdering anyone and, if yes, would that person be his soul mate.

Couple these queries with trick questions, like, “What was your favorite part of being in the Curry County Adult Detention Center?”

Also ask if the person ever threw a hamster against the wall or picked up a cat by the tail. Look for cat scratches or hamster bite marks near the tan line where a wedding ring would be. Move on to real life scenarios, such as: “If we moved in together, would I end up with five pigs, eight dogs, a cat that pees in the house and six teenage stepkids?” As mentioned, this may not necessarily be a bad thing, just something that’s not for everyone.

Then go for the fantasy scenarios, asking about the person’s ideal place to get away. If he immediately says “the garage” or a place called “Rex’s” think twice.

Again, not every answer is for everyone, but some folks have tastes that take them further than a sweaty garage or a place called “Rex’s.”

While such interrogations may scare off many, it will also weed out the undesirables.

Don’t forget there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Just don’t settle.

And don’t pine for someone, like Santa, who is unavailable. Besides, he’s kind of old and fat — and for most of the year unemployed.