Jan. 1, 2008

argushamilton.com Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• The San Francisco Zoo was termed a crime scene after a tiger attacked zoo patrons. It doesn’t seem possible. The cat had to jump a 15-foot moat and a 20-foot-high fence, and that was just to get into the United States from Mexico.

• Ronald Reagan’s personal recipe for New Year’s eggnog was discovered recently in an old article in the Los Angeles Times. The Gipper made his eggnog with three parts cream and three parts alcohol. He always did believe in peace through strength.

• The White House stood by General Musharraf after Benazir Bhutto’s assassination in Pakistan on Thursday. His job’s secure. The last thing we would ever do is overthrow a Middle East dictator with a mustache and weapons of mass destruction a second time.

• Benazir Bhutto was assassinated as she campaigned for president of Pakistan Thursday by a gunman on a bicycle. It set off alarm bells in Washington. Within the hour, President Bush hid his mountain bike up in the attic until this thing blows over.

• Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd through the sunroof of her car. It’s a campaign issue. Hillary called for calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous.

• CNN’s Wolf Blitzer revealed Thursday that Benazir Bhutto sent him a letter to be opened only if she ever got killed. She knew what would happen. It prompted Bill Clinton to send Wolf Blitzer a letter to be opened only if Hillary ever catches him cheating.

• President Bush signed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill last week. It lifts the federal ban on needle exchange programs in the nation’s capital. The Washington Nationals don’t pay much and their home-run hitters must cut corners wherever they can.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at