Nov. 23, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Dick Cheney was indicted in South Texas Tuesday for profiting from the abuse of prisoners at federal detention centers run by a private company. He owns stock in the prison company. It shows the trouble you get into when you invest with your heart.

• Somali pirates seized a Saudi oil tanker and demanded a ransom Monday. They’re holding $100 million dollars in oil and they want a $10 million ransom. Whoever it is is also likely to be holding a math degree from Los Angeles High School.

• Somali pirates followed up their tanker hijacking Monday by seizing an Iranian cargo ship carrying 30 tons of grain from Iran to the West on Tuesday. What are the terrorists thinking? You can’t bring down a skyscraper with a boatload of Wonder Bread.

• Pittsburgh Steelers bettors rioted last Sunday when refs made the wrong call at the game’s end, costing them a point-spread cover. It cost bettors $60 million. The good news is that anybody who bet the house is now eligible for a federal bailout.

• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson warned of a lengthy bear market on Wall Street Tuesday. That’s bad news. A bear market is a technical term for a six-to-12 month period when kids get no allowance, women get no jewelry and men get no sex.

• Barack Obama named Greg Craig, who represented Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy in their last sex scandals, his White House Counsel Tuesday. It’s a sign that the new president might be funny after all. Comedians can hear noises that other people can’t.

• The Iraqi cabinet passed a measure on Monday allowing U.S. and British troops to remain in their country for another three years. The occupation is getting old to the Iraqis and to the troops. Some of these guys were sent there to overthrow Saladin.

• The BCS sold its college football title game to ESPN for $140 million