Dec. 7, 2008

BEVERLY HILLS–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Laura Bush presided over the White House Christmas tree lighting ceremony last week on the South Lawn. The ceremony was especially moving this year. The Nativity Scene depicts Three Wise Men from Detroit asking the Baby Jesus for his first miracle.

• President Bush bought a large suburban house in Dallas Thursday. Thanks to the mortgage crisis, large suburban houses have been driven to their lowest prices in decades. Whoever said that President Bush is an idiot wasn’t seeing the whole picture.

• Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he’s going to the right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton.

• Perry County in Alabama voted Tuesday to declare the second Monday in every November to be Barack Obama Day. He’s embarrassed. When he started appointing conservatives to his cabinet he was looking for political cover, not a school holiday in the South.

• Henry Kissinger said Thursday he thinks Hillary Clinton will make a great Secretary of State. She can be very tough on national leaders. Two Secret Service agents during her husband’s administration were killed taking a lamp for the president.

• Vanity Fair crowned Tina Fey as America’s sweetheart Tuesday based on the popularity of her Sarah Palin impression. It’s becoming just like Nixon. Hollywood liberals hate Sarah Palin unless they are three jokes short and it’s five minutes until showtime.

• Hollywood columnist James Bacon wrote a book about his nightclubbing days with Howard Hughes. Clubs were safer then. Mae West could have been shot to death asking Plaxico Burress if that was a pistol in his pocket or if he was just happy to see her.

• Roman Polanski refused to return to the U.S. Thursday to face old charges that he had sex with a 13-year-old girl 30 years ago. She never appeared in any of his films. He could go to jail under California law for reneging on a casting promise.

• Jeb Bush revealed Wednesday he’s considering running for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida that’s being vacated by the departing Mel Martinez. Everyone agrees that Jeb is articulate and bright and circumspect. He is considered the black sheep of the family.

• The Vatican on Thursday called off its testing of the waters at Lourdes in France, ending its attempt to find out if they have restorative powers as claimed for centuries. It’s too polluted now. People keep throwing their brokerage statements in the water hoping for a miracle.

• Swiss adventurer Louis Palmer just completed a trip around the world in a solar-powered car. He traveled 32,000 miles without using a single a drop of gasoline. He waited until now to unveil it because he was afraid Dick Cheney would have invaded the sun.

• The German Army troops stationed in Afghanistan were reported Wednesday to have drunk 2 million pints of beer last year. They were ripped for being fat and drunk and sloppy. Only Muhammed Ali is further away from the glory days of his fighting career.

• New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer was hired Thursday to write a financial column for Slate. He resigned in disgrace after he made large wire transfers of cash from his bank account to buy hookers and got flagged by the Patriot Act. If we don’t let up on this search for Osama bin Laden, we’re going to run all our best people out of office.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at