Jan. 2, 2009

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Enjoy part three of our annual look back at things that made us laugh in 2008.

• SEPTEMBER – Beverly Hills residents suffered more coyote attacks on their pets Monday. The coyotes deploy females in heat to lure dogs outside, then devour them. In their own defense the coyotes say the dogs never should have signed up for such stupid mortgages.

• The Republican convention nominated John McCain the party’s presidential candidate on Thursday to the joy of his fellow Vietnam vets. How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? The reason you don’t know is because you weren’t there, man.

• John McCain tapped Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate at the GOP convention Tuesday. She’s got a four-month-old baby, a grandchild on the way and a 72-year-old running mate. How many diapers does one woman have to change every day?

• OCTOBER – Barack Obama and John McCain entered the final four weeks of the campaign this week even in the polls. Not everyone’s focused on the issues. In Los Angeles the race is regarded as a contest between the guy who’s half-black and the guy who’s half-dead.

• The San Fernando Valley was hit by brushfires, forcing evacuations in Chatsworth Monday. It halted production at the suburb’s porno studios. If you want to watch Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go down together you’ll have to buy the Wall Street Journal.

• Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost over a billion dollars in oil company stock on a margin call Monday. He’s okay. In a moment of self-doubt the oilman leaped off the highest point in Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.

• NOVEMBER – Senator Barack Obama made history Tuesday becoming the first African-American ever elected president of the United States. He owes it all to George W. Bush. If nothing else, President Bush has destroyed the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

• Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State Monday. If he’d named her vice president it would have assured him he’d never be assassinated. If Hillary Clinton were vice president, Obama could drive through Dallas with the top down and Republicans would leap in front of a bullet to keep her from becoming president.

• The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed by gays Tuesday who are angry at Mormons and evangelicals for funding the campaign to ban same-sex marriage. Gays don’t get it. Evangelicals and Mormons believe that marriage is a union between two Republicans.

• DECEMBER – The New York Mercantile Exchange reported falling oil prices again Monday as gasoline fell below two dollars a gallon. Americans are overjoyed. It’s a sure sign of economic recovery when we can finally afford to drive the cars we’re living in.

• The Weather Channel reported record cold temperatures swept into the Midwest Friday along with ice storms and blizzards. Highways are impassable. It was so cold in Chicago yesterday that the governor was trying to sell heated U.S. Senate seats.

• The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that shopping malls in New Jersey were laying off Santa Clauses in anticipation of slow Christmas shopping. Santa is so out of date. This past year the naughtier you were, the bigger your federal bailout.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.