a view from under the pew: happy cheesy new year

By Gary Mitchell: CNJ religion columnist

Editor’s note: Amos is a churchmouse who types by hurling himself at the keys, but he can’t use the shift keys, and he shuns punctuation marks — except for hyphens and dashes.

happy cheesy new year

boss this holiday season

got the best of me i

turned into a


i don t know if you

know it or not but

church folk can throw some

outlandish food parties

this time of the year

visions of cheesecakes

cheese crackers and cheese

rolls danced in my head

on their way to my tummy

it s joyous time of

the year says i – with

my mouth stuffed from

ear to ear with a

cheese-filled pear – to

anyone who was near

happy cheese year says

willifred the white rat

as we toasted our

toasted cheese crackers

to each other

i tell ya boss it was

nearly heaven on earth

and then at the stroke

of midnight sammy

salamander entered the

church pew underworld

basement door with his

arms loaded down with

cheese pizza – and i

nearly passed out from

sheer delight

now go easy on the

cheese goodies says

pastor leroy beetle

who s quite aware of

my affinity for such

culinary treats boss

sure pastor leroy says me

say how would you like

to join me in a cheese

twistie or a cheddar pretzel

you re going to turn

into a cheddar pretzel

he warned you d better

go sleep it off in the barn

party pooper says me to him

and i went back to get

my fill of a cheese-filled


finally the party and

the flowing cheese river

ended and i gently tucked

my overextended tummy into

my little matchbox bed

ah now for a long

winter s nap says me

but alas it wasn t

to be i tossed and i

turned my stomach

roiled and burned i

broke out in sweats

and i shivered with

the cold my head ached

and my tummy reeled

and rolled

about that time louie

the songdog padded by

my little matchbox pad

and heard my groaning

and moaning

whatsa matter little guy

says he with a twinkle

in his eye it sounds like

a war going on there

need any help or a

little cheer

my tummy is keeping me

awake it s putting me in

an awful state

when louie asked me what

i ate boss his eyes

rolled to the back of

his shaggy head

amos says he don t you

know the bible warns

against that sort of


but i just was having fun

lamented me

but it s not fun now is it

says he god doesn t give us

these warnings to take

away our fun but to make

our life better to give

us joy in the sun

he was right boss gluttony

is a cheesy way to live

life sure feels better when

you follow god s way