Jan. 7, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Caroline Kennedy was assailed Monday by opponents who claim she’s inarticulate and ill-informed. The doubts have set off a frenzy. Sarah Palin was forced to have a grandbaby out of wedlock the next day in order to keep her title as America’s Bimbo.

• Charles Barkley was pulled over by police in Scottsdale last week and arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Nobody had any idea alcohol was his problem. He’s been seen many times at tailgate parties doing Thousand Island shooters.

• President Bush declared Tuesday that Palestinians must halt missile attacks on Israel. He’s an inspiration. President Bush’s double duck move when he dodged two shoes thrown at him in Baghdad is now the hottest dance in Israel since the Macarena.

• Palestinians staged street protests against Israel Thursday. They were all waving the same brand of shoe the Iraqi reporter threw at President Bush. Macy’s was so excited to see something is selling they ordered them in every size for the Easter season.

• GM promised to spend bailout money to offer credit to car buyers Tuesday. They must make the cars fast and sexy again. The last time Oprah Winfrey waved a set of Pontiac car keys at her crowd, they threw cream pies at her and she fell off her diet.

• The United Autoworkers came under fire Monday for its past investments in golf resorts and spas in Michigan and Arizona. The union bosses have earned it. After you have broken the legs of a few strikebreakers, nothing hits the spot like a mud bath.

• Washington lobbyist Vicki Iseman sued the New York Times for implying she had an affair with John McCain. The attraction was always there. They met when he was chairing a subcommittee investigating Wall Street and he asked to see her Bear Stearn.

• Congress got an automatic $4,700 pay raise Wednesday which they voted for themselves in the last budget. It’s no surprise. You knew this was coming last year when all 535 of them signed with Scott Boras.

• California banned text-messaging while driving Thursday. It is already illegal to use the cellphone while driving a car. Under California law you cannot use your hands for any kind of communication while driving unless it’s to squeeze the trigger.

• Bill and Hillary Clinton began the countdown in Times Square on New Year’s Eve by pressing the button. The temperature was zero degrees with icy wind. Every time the Clintons stand next to each other it pushes global warming back another 10 years.

• Spain offered citizenship Tuesday to anybody whose ancestors left Spain during the last 70 years. Millions are eligible. It almost worked, but as soon as the Rose Bowl Game was televised everyone decided they would rather walk to California.

• U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald asked a judge in Chicago for another 90 days to indict Governor Rod Blagojevich Wednesday. Meanwhile, Blagojevich named a black man with perfect credentials to the Senate and Democrats vowed not to seat him. Barack Obama always dreamed of starring in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner but he never thought it’d be in the Spencer Tracy role.

• Barack Obama refused to support the Illinois governor’s appointment of a black lobbyist to the Senate Tuesday, rejecting that idea that the Senate is an all-white club without him. And people used to worry Reverend Wright had a radical effect on Barack Obama sitting in the congregation. Who knew he was a Confederate spy all along?

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.