Jan. 8, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• The Oklahoma Sooners play Florida for the national title tonight. They’re both party schools. Every year the Betty Ford Center touch football championship is won by either the patients who graduated from Oklahoma or patients who graduated from Florida.

• San Francisco was the site of protests on behalf of Palestinian terrorists Monday. It’s no secret why the protests were in San Francisco. When Muslim fundamentalists seized power in Iran 30 years ago, the gay community beat the Shah’s family to California.

• President Bush will give Tony Blair the Presidential Medal of Freedom Tuesday. The former prime minister is now our Middle East peace envoy. He begins the last leg of basic training Monday when President Bush enrolls him in shoe ducking training camp.

• The Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that most Americans say they will not miss President Bush when he leaves office. Only 18 percent say they’ll miss him. Everyone else thinks they can at least wing him with the first shot.

• Dick Cheney told CBS News Sunday that he believes history will be kind to the Bush administration. He added he’s not sure how long it will take. It depends on how long David McCullough and Doris Kearns Goodwin can hold out under waterboarding.

• CBS Sports NFL analyst Bill Cowher made it clear Sunday he won’t return to NFL coaching next year. He says he likes the television lifestyle. Coaching in the NFL is nice, but when you have your own make-up artist you look ten years younger.

• Charles Barkley was cited for drunk driving in Scottsdale Friday. He told cops he was in a hurry to meet a hooker. He’s always said he wants to run for governor of Alabama someday and everyone figured he is just padding his resume to be a politician.

• Illinois U.S. Senate appointee Roland Burris was barred from entering the Senate Tuesday, leaving the Senate all white. It didn’t look good. No one’s seen this many German shepherds on Capitol Hill since the morning after the World Trade Center attack.

• SEC regulators were hauled before Congress on Monday to answer how they missed the Bernie Madoff swindle. They got 10 complaints but never found anything wrong. They’ve got to stop recruiting investigators from the NCAA’s department of compliance.

• NBC’s Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken was declared the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota Monday pending appeal. The comedian can keep the job for six years and he doesn’t have to get one laugh. It’s the same deal the cast of Friends had.

• Barack Obama was cheered by Republicans Tuesday when he said he will cut taxes on businesses and individuals to stimulate the economy. He also selected a church where he’ll worship in Washington. He has joined the Church of Supply Side Economics.

• Leon Panetta was nominated director of the Central Intelligence Agency Tuesday, arousing Senate opposition. He’s not experienced in intelligence. He was appointed President Clinton’s chief of staff because he was the only one old enough to get beer.

• Toyota of Japan announced Monday it will shut down all its plants in Japan for two weeks. Toyota executives are very worried that their autoworkers will demand government intervention. They could kick themselves for inventing robots that can talk.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.