Jan. 13, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Barack Obama repeated his call for college football playoffs Friday. This year was the last straw. Everyone agrees that it’s utterly pointless to play an entire college football season just to have the national crown given to Caroline Kennedy.

• President Bush will present Tony Blair with the Medal of Freedom today. At one time these two men believed they could remake the Mideast as a land of freedom and democracy. Then the doctors adjusted their medication and the hallucinations stopped.

• Ryan O’Neal agreed to enter a drug treatment program Thursday after he pleaded guilty to methamphetamine possession in his Malibu home. It’s against the law to possess or use methamphetamines inside the Malibu city limits. It’s zoned for cocaine.

• Somali pirates received $3 million in cash by parachute Friday and released the oil tanker. While they were fighting over the money, the escape boat capsized and five of them drowned. It looked like Thanksgiving dinner at Bernie Madoff’s house.

• New Yorker Alex Gardega created a hot sauce named Bernie In Hell that displays the swindler Bernie Madoff’s face on the bottle surrounded by flames. It’s a huge success. If you buy the sauce, the money goes to pay off the last guy to buy the sauce.

• The USS George H.W. Bush aircraft carrier was commissioned in Norfolk Saturday. It’s the last Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. His son will have a destroyer named after him in honor of all he’s done for the economy, the Middle East and the Republican Party.

• “24” starring Keifer Sutherland as U.S. agent Jack Bauer premiered Sunday, featuring a subversive villain who’s able to use his skills to turn the economy into complete and utter chaos. He’s a mortgage broker in Orange County. It’s a documentary.

• Charles Barkley took a leave of absence from his TNT broadcasting job 10 days after his DUI arrest in Phoenix, when he told the cops he ran a stop sign because was in a hurry to get oral sex. He’s 300 pounds, he’s a gambling junkie, a drunk driver and a sex addict. It took him a week just to decide which rehab has seniority.

• The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas unveiled a robot Friday designed to replace dogs and cats. It’s a plush baby seal that cuddles and coos and responds very affectionately to human touch. In some parts of the world it could replace sheep.

• Barney Frank urged the government Friday to buy foreclosed homes and turn them into workforce housing. It’s divisive. Democrats sympathize with migrant workers, whereas Republicans think the United Farm Workers Union was founded by Chivas Regal.

• President Bush told Texas reporters Friday he regrets that immigration reform didn’t pass on his watch. Still, he had a huge impact on cross-border relations. American workers are now sending pesos home to Detroit to help support their families.

• Hillary Clinton’s confirmation hearings for Secretary of State begin today in the Senate Foreign Relations committee. She’s an expert on China. She can throw it like a Frisbee or hurl it overhand, but she gets her best results throwing lamps.

• Hollywood director Ron Howard said his movie Frost/Nixon prompts comparisons between President Nixon and President Bush. It’s not fair. They both waged hugely unpopular wars, they both had low approval ratings, they both subverted the Constitution, but Nixon is considered the better president because he got his picture taken with Elvis.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.