Jan. 22, 2009

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Senator Dianne Feinstein emceed the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday. She accidentally mispronounced a word. She announced that the Chief Justice would execute the Oaf of Office and two Secret Service agents jumped in front of President Bush to save him.

• President Obama attended St. John’s Episcopal in Washington D.C. Tuesday. It’s the church every president attends. It’s so influential that in four years Barack Obama will be just another Anglo-Saxon hoping to get in nine holes before the sun goes down.

• The Secret Service had to monitor a threat issued by Somali terrorists against the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday. Federal agents screened everyone in the crowd who looked African. So all the progress we have made in civil rights lasted about an hour.

• Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States on the Capitol steps despite the cold. He said he wanted the ceremony outside no matter what the weather. He is not going to start his administration by betraying his people, smokers.

• Barack Obama took office Tuesday amid a crashing stock market and two overseas wars. He’s been saddled with unreasonably high expectations. Five years ago this man was an unknown Illinois lawmaker and today he’s President Abraham Luther Roosevelt.

• Barack Obama gave a somber Inaugural address Tuesday. The longer he talked, the lower the stock market fell. At the rate he’s going he’ll be giving his State of the Union address next month on the wing of a U.S. Airways jetliner in the Hudson River.

• U.S. Airways sent $5,000 checks to each passenger aboard the airliner that landed safely on the Hudson River last week. Some people never learn. Half the people put the money right into the stock market and got killed in Tuesday’s crash.

• The Inaugural Parade down Pennsylvania Avenue featured plenty of men riding on horseback. What else could they do? The auto executives aren’t allowed to fly in private jets and they’re not about to get into those death-trap hybrids they built.

• The Obama administration took over from the Bush administration on Tuesday in a huge transfer of power. The changeover was smooth. In every post office the FBI took the portraits of President Bush off the wall and put them on the bulletin boards.

• President Bush took off from Andrews Air Force Base Tuesday in the plane that used to be Air Force One, and he flew across the country to Texas. It filled him with emotion. He always gets choked up when he looks out the window and surveys the rubble.

• Dick Cheney attended the Inaugural in a wheelchair on Tuesday. He maintains he hurt his back while moving boxes into his new house. Doctors told him not to get out of the wheelchair or the judge will never believe he’s too sick to stand trial.

• Kellogg’s recalled its peanut butter sandwich crackers Monday due to salmonella poisoning in the peanuts. It’s no accident. Jimmy Carter is trying to poison the American people out of resentment that George W. Bush got two terms and he only got one.

• Jeopardy host Alex Trebek began a new show in Canada called Canada’s Next Prime Minister. It’s come to this. President Bush so discredited democracy around the world that other nations are giving away their top offices as prizes on reality shows.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.