Gifts cheap, words cheaper

Wendel Sloan

While recently cruising Dallas projects for Christmas presents, I saw a handwritten Goodwill sign: “1/2 Off Sale!”

Although Salvation Army stores are more within my budget, I figured that the sale might allow me to splurge.

After entering past burglar bars, I fought my way through Texas politicians’ worst nightmares grabbing mariachi cassettes, Jane Fonda VHS workout tapes, velvet poker-dog paintings and parachute-size denim skirts.

The dust-induced coughing of a linebacker-sized baby swaddled in a 70s Cowboys jacket alerted me to the book section.

Along with 25-cent tomes like “Cooking with Bacon Fat” and “The South Actually Won,” I purchased “The Portable Curmudgeon.”

Interspersed with my own, here are a few nuggets:

“If you can’t say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.” — Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“My resume is the best fiction I’ve ever written.”— Wendel Sloan

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”— Oscar Wilde

“I’d swim the deepest wading pool for you.” — Wendel Sloan

“Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.” — Bertrand Russell

“If I were insensitive I would have bought you a mirror.” — Wendel Sloan

“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” — Gore Vidal

“You can’t judge a book by its lovers.” — Wendel Sloan

Would you like “Texas Governors: Crowd-Pleasing from Turnip Trucks” or “Cooking Conservatively: Why Even Squirrel Stew Tastes Better in Red-State Longneck Sauce” for Christmas?