Slogans leave room for flexibility

Since Willie Nelson and I don’t have the support of fat casino cats in our Green Tea Party candidacy for the Oval Office, we are hawking bumper stickers for Super-Six-Pack contributions.

Even though as minors we bootlegged patriotic brands like Lone Star and Texas Pride, we are not jingoistic about imports.

While our slogans are not as catchy as “If You Must Burn Our Flag, Please Wrap Yourself in It First” or “Sorry I Couldn’t Get You My Birth Certificate, I Was Busy Killing Bin Laden,” they reflect our flexibility.

For your safety, each slogan — above our “Green Tea Party” logo in psychedelic lettering on a jagged five-leaf plant — is indecipherable to extremists and flat-earthers.

Choices include:

• “Pro Football — Anti Oxidant”

• “We Love/Hate Muslims — (Scratch One Out)”

• “We Hate Illegal Immigrants — Except Those Who Vote Anyway”

• “We Walk Like Egyptians — Not Run Pyramid Schemes”

• “The Party for Swingers — And Swing Voters”

• “We’re Part of a Vast Middle-Wing Conspiracy — To Make Conspiracists Paranoid”

• “Free Trade with Cuba — For Pitchers and Catchers”

• “American Eagle Cigarettes for Them — Cuban Cigars for Us”

• “You May Not Achieve the American Dream — But You Can Live It Vicariously Through Us”

• “Since We’re Dumbing Down America Anyway — You May As Well Get a Contact High from Wendel and Willie in the Oval Office” (extra large sticker requires two Super-Six-Packs)