Moonlighting may pay off

By Wendel Sloan

Local columnist

Wendel Sloan

Wendel Sloan

I’ve been brainstorming ways to earn supplemental income to fund the lifestyle to which I’d like to become accustomed. I’ve never been wealthy, so I’m not talking lifestyles of the rich and spoiled.

For me, being extravagant is:
• Marie Callender instead of Banquet; using the automatic carwash; buying a hardback book; ordering pay-per-view; buying socks that don’t come in a multi-pack.

• Buying tennis shoes at Big 5 instead of garage sales; staying in Motel 6 at South Padre instead of pitching a tent; buying actual Q-tips instead of store brands’ painfully thin ones; ordering an appetizer; paying someone to mow my yard — you get the picture.

Anyway, here are examples of my moonlighting ideas — although I am too frugal to pay a lawyer to ascertain their legality.

• Pay new mothers for naming rights to their babies, then sell the rights to corporations. What baby wouldn’t want to grow up as Fisher-Price, Berkshire Hathaway or, for twins, Abercrombie and Fitch?

• Go on a televangelist’s program wearing a wig and pretend his holy hanky grew hair — then collect 50 percent of the “gift-offerings” for them.

• Write a blog called “50 Shades of Gravy” about greasy-spoon diners in the South, and take kickbacks for recommending them.

• Put the “original Craigslist” on eBay, then ship buyers my friend Craig’s shopping lists.

• Advertise mail-order brides from Russia, but save on shipping by actually importing them from the Appalachian Mountains. To be convincing, they will present their flannel-wearing husbands with Russian vodka.

• Pretend, while shooting at prairie dogs, I unearthed ancient alien symbols on a strange metallic disk in my back yard. After claiming their interpretation was revealed to me in a dream by a 900-foot Texan in a 5-gallon hat, I will email subscribers — for only $19.99 per month — their warnings about the latest messiahs trying to impose a New World Order.

The first month’s warning is free: Hold “kcarab amabo” up to a mirror.

Contact Wendel Sloan at wendel.sloan@yahoo.com